Saying Goodbye – Part 1

It didn’t go at all like I’d hoped. There was nothing romantic, nothing grand, nothing spectacular. I didn’t even have a tear in my eye at the time. It didn’t even seem real.

Our third baby was born just days before my husband had to leave. Days. We came home from the hospital and the whirlwind began. There was a mile-long list of things for my husband to do. He had to report to his unit during the day and try to take care of things at home at night. I had only slept a few hours over the course of those few days. I was exhausted and in a fog. I feel like I barely saw him.

The day before he left his unit had a going away ceremony. I didn’t go. There was no way I was taking our brand new baby out around so many people. I really felt bad about not going to the ceremony. I think that was part of what made everything seem so unreal.

That night I wanted so badly to spend time with him, but he had to finish moving some things and packing. I was angry, so angry. Baby O was nursing non-stop and I was alone with all three kids. At one point total chaos broke out. I’m sure my older children sensed my feelings. My daughter dumped hand sanitizer all over the floor and herself. While I was talking to poison control both of my older children crumbled a piece of foam packaging all over the floor. I was so mad I wanted to cry.

We managed to get the big kids into their beds and I went to lay down with the baby. By the time my husband came to bed I could barely keep my eyes open. I still felt angry. I had no time with him whatsoever. I’m mad at myself for feeling so mad and pretty much ruining the last bit of time we had together.

My husband had to be at his unit by 4 a.m. We live about an hour away. I had originally planned to drive him myself, but at 2:30 a.m., I knew it wasn’t going to happen. I got up with him and watched him load his things into the car. When we hugged, I didn’t want to let go. It still didn’t feel real. I just wanted him to come back to bed with me and be there when the kids woke up in the morning.

I stood in the kitchen and watched him walk out the front door. He was dressed in his uniform with his big duffel bag thrown over his shoulder. I just stood there. Before he left he said, “You better get back in the bedroom with the baby.” I co-sleep with my babies and he was stirring. Our house is small and we could both see him in our room from where we were. It took me a minute to move. I just stood there staring at the closed door. I didn’t cry. I was too tired to cry. I went back to bed and nursed my newborn son back to sleep.

Linked to:

The Better Mom, Marital Oneness Mondays, Growing Home,